One day at a time

It has been nine months. Nine whole months since Jude has been with Chase and I on this Earth. It has been unreal. A roller coaster of emotions. You cannot imagine it until you experience loving this human more than ever. I smile as I write this, because I am just getting a minute to breathe from work and all I want to do is share this with you.

Every day I am finally feeling more and more like myself. I’ve found that most people rarely talk about how they really feel about being a mother. I have found that it’s hard to be honest and not feel judged or compared. At first I would constantly compare myself to other moms, wondering if I was missing something because I just did not feel I could relate. I was aching to get back into the groove of “life” or my new “life” I should say. I was missing work, but feeling lost in what I wanted to do.  I caught myself crying in my car this week to a very dear friend. She was telling me how much she respected, admired and loved me for everything I do for my family. I could feel the huge tears running down my face, and all I could say was I never knew what it would feel like to be needed ALL the time. I was tired, and wondering how I would get through this insane work week or month or even season.

I made a promise to myself when I had Jude that I would try not to lose myself. Traveling was my world and I could not wait to share that with my children. Jude and I recently took trip a to New England.  There was nothing in the world this mama needed more than that trip. I felt alive again, I was surrounded with my best friends, wine, girl time, my best friend’s sweet baby boy and Jude.  We laughed for five days straight. It was beautiful and exactly what my soul had been aching for.

Now it is fall, my busiest time of the year with photography. I live for these months. These next few months are going to be wholly chaotic. Tonight I came to terms that this house will probably be a complete mess until New Years. Trying to balance a 50+ hour work week with Jude only in school 10 hours a week is going to be insane. With a husband in the creative field as well, our world seems a tad crazy. We literally bypass each other some days.  We are trying to get new tenants in our house in Manor. I need to refinance our mortgage. I am expecting a new niece any day now. It is Jude’s first Halloween. Every hour I am not working, I spend with Jude. Chase works late hours at the restaurant on the weekends and I am jumping on a plane every so often for work. I have come to terms that I will always be the carefree mom that I am. Our lifestyle and reality demands it.
Jude is my BIGGEST  inspiration. I finally feel alive with my photography again. He makes me see things that I could never see before. He teaches me to live in the moment. He is the light of my world and Chase’s too. Chase and Jude have a bond that melts me.
We are truly blessed.
It has been nine months and I’ve finally hit my groove as a mom!  Every day is a new opportunity to better balance the many hats I wear, but for now, I am proud of myself. I am a damn good mother.
From day one as a mom, my hope has been that my gratitude in life would rub off on Jude. To hear most people exclaim that he’s the happiest little one I’ve ever met fills me with joy and resolve to take every day as an opportunity to be the best working mom I can be. I know that juggling both makes me appreciate each one infinitely more.
Cheers to Jude and to photography!
Film: Ilford 400
Camera: Canon AE-1

Thank you to my dear friend who captured the most beautiful moments of Jude and I. Mackenzie Rollins I love you.

6 comments

Amy and BradOctober 12, 2012 - 6:46 PM

What a blessing to be a mom. The hardest job you will ever love.
What a blessing to be a photographer. We will always have a window into your soul.
Keep being you.

Laura BauerOctober 10, 2012 - 12:53 PM

Mel – This is an absolutely beautiful post, a wonderful window into your life for those of us who value you as friend, photographer, super mom, and YOU! I have so much awe and respect for you as you pursue all of your dreams wholeheartedly – family and photography. Feeding both passions and fulfilling the dreams placed in you are what make a more radiant you.

With love,
Laura

Angie BOctober 10, 2012 - 10:33 AM

The fact that you’re struggling a little proves you’re doing fine. It’s the parents who never worry about doing it best that should give us all a little concern. And remember, our mothers worked and we learned something awesome from that. Keep on keepin’ on; like you said, you’re a damn good mom

Morgan Elizabeth CullenOctober 6, 2012 - 7:41 AM

you are an amazing woman AND mom
don’t you EVER compare your awesome self to ANYONE else
jude IS the happiest baby in the world
he is so lucky to have y’all as parents
a divine blessing that goes both ways

LexOctober 5, 2012 - 3:40 PM

Mel, you are doing SUCH an awesome job at life! Thanks for writing this. Your words were really inspiring to me as I am also going through a time of great change and challenge. Here’s to finding beauty and yourself, one day at a time. Much love, Lex

KellyOctober 5, 2012 - 9:46 AM

That’s the sweetest thing! I’m all teary eyed reading this as I approach the world of motherhood myself and am struggling to envision my new life, my new son and how our family will and my career will survive. Thanks for the inspiration Mel. :)

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